Walking in me Ex’s shoes

Posted: 01/01/2011 in Uncategorized

I’m in a bit of a depressed mood right now (what a way to start the New Year), so maybe writing will make me feel better. I just sent Lexi back to her mom, and it’s hitting me hard this time. For those of you unfamiliar with my kid/custody situation, here’s the nutshell version:

11 years ago, I had a kid with my now Ex, named Alexis. We broke up soon after. After 2 years, there was some crazy drama, and I ended up with full custody. Fast forward to last year about this time, and I was going through a bit of drama myself. Feeling that my situation was a tad unstable, combined with the fact that I sensed my kiddo wanted to go live with her mom, I let her go, signing over custody.

Now your pretty much caught up. There was a ton of crazy stuff that happened, it’s not that I don’t want to share it, but in the spirit of brevity I keep things short.

The thing is, last year I moved a fair distance away from my Ex. About 120 miles. This makes it very difficult to spend time with her. This summer, she apent most of it with me. I had her last spring break. This Thanksgiving break, I had her too. At the conclusion of that visit, when I drove her back to meet with her mom, it was really hard on me. As I drove the 2 hours back home, all I could think about was the crazy series of events that led to me giving her up. Mile after mile, I thought about what I could have done differently as to keep her, or change my situation as to not have had to give her up. Hindsight truly is 20/20.

This Christmas break, I had her for a week once again. This time my parents came up, and we had a good week of visiting with each other. Today, my parents took her back to her mom, on their way back home. This was the toughest “separation” yet. I guess at some point, the level of heartache should plateau, giving me some relief.

One thing that gives me some solace, is that fact that my Ex had to go through this heartache for years. Maybe solace is the wrong word, perhaps sympathy is better. Hard to feel sympathetic right now though. But, at least I now know how she felt. Its hard to get that point of view when we were fighting over custody, or fighting over anything. I knew she wanted her kid back, but I never really understood how she felt. If this is how she felt, then I do feel bad for her now. Sad thing is, in the situation we are in, someone will always be left hurting. Oh well, thats life.

  1. Amber says:

    Im sorry this hurts you so bad. I mean why wouldn’t it. It saddens all of us to see her go. The biggest part Im sorry about is that I feel it is partly my fault. As if you wouldnt be in this situation if it weren’t for me. I know its not all my fault another person is to partly blame. But I cant help feeling that I am causing your sadness. This is one of the biggest points of me telling you that you need to make the final decision to give Her custody cuz I didn’t want that decision falling back on me. Every time I see you like this I try to think of how I can fix it or make it better. There is no easy solution. We just have to pray about it and hope that you will get her back in the end. But we also have to keep in mind what makes Lexi happy.

    Sorry you are hurting.

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