Put back in the world

Posted: 05/02/2010 in Uncategorized

For most of my adult life, I could say that those who knew me, probably knew me better than I knew myself. I spent very little time on looking at the kind of person I was, thus who I was, was based greatly on other people’s perceptions of me. Many of the changes I have been going through have been very difficult for me to put into words, so even though I have read the previous sentence many times, I am still not sure if it even makes sense. Frustrating.
I read something that seemed to grab at some of the things I feel, and seem to help me deal with certain issues with greater ease. “Visions of the Fathers” by Twerski, page 169 goes in part :

Some people avoid reality simply by not arising early in the morning, as if the world will become an easier place in the extra few hours they remain in bed. Those who have recourse to alcohol during the day will find that the same problems and usually more difficult ones will confront them when they emerge from their chemical oblivion. Similarly, engaging in juvenile behavior or spending hours at the racetrack or in other pastimes do indeed distract one from reality and remove him from the world which he was intended to achieve something. The colloquial expression that refers to pastimes as “killing time” is most appropriate. We would be wise to think of the significance of this term. Time is the one commodity which is irreplaceable, and to “kill” it is the height of folly. It has been wisely said that killing time is not murder, but suicide, and such behavior indeed “removes one from the world.”

All crazy people have one thing in common... they don't think they are crazy.

I am almost done with the book, and this entry is way back near the middle but it has stuck with me. After losing my job, my house, and nearly my family, I was angry at life. I had wasted 11 years of hard work. What did I have to show for it? My good paying job was no more, my health insurance was gone, ans a house I poured tons of money into went back to the bank. My professional reputation? In limbo at best. I was couch surfing with friends, and in an angry frenzy that rivaled that of Jack Nicholson in “The Shining”. I was not a person who was acting sane at all.
Through A.A. meetings I learned it was my problem, ultimately my own self was to blame, and I came to terms with that part. But for months I still harbored hard feelings about my former employer, and other people, still trying not to lay it on myself. I read “Twerski on Prayer”, and it helped me regain passion in my faith. But it was this paragraph that hit me like a ton of bricks. The only thing I really lost was time, or more importantly what I could have done with that time. An alcoholic has no concept of time you see, he lives his whole life in an odd psychotic state. The biggest regret I have is not that I wasted my own life, but I deprived my family of the spiritual guidance I should have given them. I robbed my kids of the most important things in life, and all I could think about was myself, and what I lost. House, possessions, all meaningless. All temporary things. Time rots those things, time takes away all things on this earth. It was time, and it ticks by as I type away on this thing. I will never look at my clock the same way again.

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Comments
  1. Amber says:

    Hey husband. Very deep and very true. I like this post/ your words. It is meaningful to me and would be even more so if you lived more by those words. Kind of like the saying practice what you preach.

    Keep up the good work and soul searching.

    • I live by them the best I can baby. I don’t claim to do things I don’t, and I won’t dodge questions about what I do. I am all about living truthfully now. I may be ugly at times, but at least I sleep better knowing I am not lying to anyone anymore. I’m still Trouble Maker for a reason…

  2. robdigsin says:

    I really enjoyed reading this post. Although for different reasons, I can relate to your anguish over what you could have done with the time you threw away.

    The lion’s den, huh?

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